Dear friends, Lizzie is into her 42nd day today and she is still in Neonatal ICU. Her condition is stable but her O2 level fluctuates from the high 80s to low 90s (higher better) to low 60s. Earlier on (in Day 6 or so), the Docs have started medication to keep her PDA open for oxygenated blood to flow from her lungs to her heart. That medication has since been increased to the maximum. On the night of 3rd October (Sunday), we received a call from the Prof handling Lizzie's case, saying that she will most probably be operated on in the morning of 4th October because her O2 level remained low for the past few hours. Fortunately, Lizzie's O2 level rose and stabilized overnight, thus negating the need for emergency surgery. Since then, the Docs have tried many things to get her O2 level up. They tried enclosing her head in a box filled with O2, bloodtransfusion, treatments of possible infections and even put an O2 tube in her nostrils. Her O2 level still fluctuates daily between the high 60s to the high 80s. I see Lizzie every day in the morning before work and again in the evening after work. The most precious moments were those when her eyes are open. They are so bright and sparkly and Lizzie will look at me very intensely as if she has a lot to tell me. Sometimes when I look into Lizzie's eyes, I can see the pain she is enduring. It is as if she is asking me for help. If you are a parent, you will know that it is very torturous to know that your child is suffering, and you are powerless to do anything for her. The thought of her suffering tears me up from within every single day. If I can give my life for hers, I will not hesitate even for a second. If only there is a way to trade my heart and chromosomes with hers….Elaine and I prayed for Lizzie every time we see her in ICU. We prayed for her every night. We prayed for her on every journey to the hospital. Yet, God has not come to her. Before her birth, we prayed that God will heal her, but every scan showed no positive results. We prayed that God will heal her at birth, but Lizzie was born with congenital heart defects and Digeorge's Syndrome. We prayed that God will heal her without medication or surgery, but the Docs have already started the medication on her and it has reached the maximum dosage. Yesterday, we learnt that the surgeons are making arrangements for Lizzie's surgery this Friday. WHERE IS GOD?!! WHY IS HE SILENT?!! It is not that we do not believe in medical science. If God choose to heal her through a surgery, so be it. However, the surgeries I am talking about here involve putting artificial tube to replace her missing pulmonary artery. As she grows, they will replace this small tube with a larger one, hence another open heart surgery (when she is 3 or 4 years old). There may yet be another surgery when she is a teenager. In addition to the risks involved, these surgeries mean that she cannot be active and cannot live life as a normal healthy person. These surgeries also do not do solve any effects of Digeorge's Syndrome. It is particularly hurtful when I read the bible and listen to worship songs. The bible tells me that God is loving, faithful and merciful. That God hears the cry of His people and come to their aid. That God is faithful and will not forsake His people. That Godwill send His angels to guard His people that their feet will not strike a stone. That God has plans for His people that will prosper them and not harm them. How is He showing His faithfulness to my child and my family? To a life that is created to bring Him glory? I have asked God for nothing but for children to glorify Him. Why doesGod allow my child to suffer for the rest of her life? What glory is there for God that Lizzie is weak or even disabled? What good are we to God if our time and resources are taken up to take care of Lizzie instead of serving Him? How will pre-believers see us? What purpose does it serve when these pre-believers see God's people suffering unexplainably and endlessly? Elaine and I are beyond desperation. When we thought we have reached the lowest point in our lives, Lizzie's situation got worse. When will these end? How much more does God think we can take? How much longer does God allow Lizzie to suffer? Are we not God's people? What are we supposed to think and do? We are struggling every day between having faith and hoping in God, seeing the reality of Lizzie's suffering and her O2 level dipping and friends thinking that we are in denial. I am sorry for venting and complaining. While I am extremely frustrated, I am still holding on to my faith in a God I have knew for the past 18 years. Please pray for Lizzie, that the surgery this Friday will not be necessary because God has intervened.
Thanks and God bless, Simon
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